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How to Live Off

How to Live Off The Government: A Beginner’s Guide

Step 1: Lose Your Job
So, you’ve lost your high paying job and find yourself on the street. Well, dont worry, I’ll give you some tips on how to survive being downsized. First, dont think of it as being downsized, or cast off, or dumped … think of it as being career and economically challenged. So get rid of that job and get ready to make every dime count.

Step 2: Mooch Off the Government
As long as you’ve put in some time working in the past, the government owes you your unemployment insurance payments. I applied the day I got my notice of termination/layoff. They started payments practically immediately … all $230 a week of it. Okay, so I’m used to making more than three times that a week, but I guess I’ll survive.

Step 3: Learn How to Stretch Measly $230/week
It might sound like alot if you work for Taco Bell or something, but for someone who has bills, its not much. However, stretching it is just another challenge, right. Okay, so first step is to only make minimum payments on the credit cards. Yeah, I know they’ll never get paid that way, and will probably only go up but whatever. Next, trim back on groceries. Yeah, no more Doritos and Sprite. It’s gonna be bread and milk from now on, buster.

Step 4: Find Other Means of Getting Money
Ever thought of selling your body?? Well, nows the time to give it some thought. Hmm, but what if you have a body even your mother doesnt want to look at? Then you have to sell other things. For example, I have some Garbage Pail Kids, but after seeing this guy’s collection, I pretty much figured I should just keep them. Other ways of earning money, that are legal, include selling services. For example, I’ve done carpentry work for friends of my mom, along with freelance work every two months. If worse comes to worse, see the entry above and make some crack.

Step 5: Find Some Good Job Search Sites
Yeah, I know there arent any. I mean all the jobs are either contract in Timbuktoo, or they just dont respond to you. And when they do actually respond and make you go in for two interviews and then offer you a job and you take it, then of course they change their mind and never contact you again about it and dump you on the street … erm, where was I. Oh yeah, find a good search engine.

Step 6: Don’t Talk to Anyone
Although they mean well, it seems everyone has an idea on how you can find a job. Get ready to hear alot of “You should do this … you should do that … Did you do this … Did you do that … ” God help me if I hear that one more time. This by no means means that you should cut all ties with everyone, all I’m saying is that you should make it a rule not to discuss anything job search related. It will keep your relationship in tact and will keep you from stabbing them in the head with a butter knife.

Step 7: Don’t Stress About It
Okay, so you dont have a job. You aren’t a contributing member of society and you are about to lose everything. It could be worse. I mean, you could have gotten hit by a semi and not die, but rather be laying in a hospital bed only able to move the little finger on your right hand. See, things could be worse.

Step 8: Pick Out a Nice Sturdy Box
Once you’ve lost all your personal belongings you’ll definately need a new place to live. So, to fit in better with your new neighbors you should pick a nice, sturdy box out, but not something flashy. Make sure it looks slightly weathered, so you might want to leave it outside a few days prior to moving in.

Step 9: Keep Things in Perspective
Okay, so you are living in a box, getting money from the government. It’s not that bad. Don’t think of it as being down and out. Instead think of it more as getting a parkside view, being at one with nature, or being a minimalist. See things are picking up already.

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