Ladies and Gentleman, your

Ladies and Gentleman, your inflight meal will be … a bag lunch

My friend sent me an intinerary for their flight to arizona that will be taking place later in the year. So, in a year when airlines are adding internet access and roomier seating, I was surprised by the fact that on Southwest Airlines you have to bring your own food on the flight …

Snack Service: If your total flight itinerary includes a series of flights that each are less than two hours in duration, you will be served peanuts/raisins on each flight segment. If your itinerary includes any nonstop flight longer than two hours, you will be served a packaged snack on that flight segment. Southwest Airlines does not serve sandwiches or meals, however, you may bring something to eat on board.

Could you just imagine what would happen if people brought their own food on board. Ack. I mean the smells alone would make me want to throw myself off the plane. Not to mention having to hear someone smacking on food the whole flight.

On one of my trips, I was sitting near the window and had just boarded when this indian guy sitting next to me whipped out this bag of crunchy stuff. Just picture Cheerios that have been run over by a car and then add the smell of ass to it. Thats what this guy was eating. Some ass smelling powdery Cheerios-like substance. Well … eating would be a nice way of saying it. The guy would dip his slobbery fingers into the shit and pull out a bunch and get half of it in his mouth and half all over the seat, floor and himself. Listening to this guy slobber all over himself was enough to make me want to puke on his face, but the smell was something on its own. I swear it smelled like ass. My eyes were watering and I felt like I was going to pass out. I just tried to squash myself on the window and hope that I’d survive.

So, this one example of someone bringing something on board was enough to revolt me, just imagine a plane filled with people bringing shit on. I mean, at least when they serve you a meal, the cabin fills with the smell of chicken or pasta and everyone is smacking on food at the same time. Then its over. Bringing food on board would just be chaos. I mean you’d have people chomping on food throughout the entire flight. I mean its bad enough having the fat ass lopping over into your seat, or the snoring guy that suddenly lands on your shoulder, but now I’ve got to deal with some one slobbering all over themselves with food that smells like ass. Ugh. I just wont be able to fly any more. It sure as hell wont be ‘flying the friendly skies’ at that point. I’ll have to get medieval on someones ass.

Ugh. I think I’m going to have to boycott Southwest Airlines for trips over two hours. I mean you pay out the ass for the flights and now they want you bring on board your own friggin’ dinner. Good god, what the hell is the world coming to … I just want to have them serve me my cardboard chicken with rubbery veggies. Is that too much to ask for?