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Eyewear 101 …

I’ve been wearing glasses since I was in 3rd grade. It began when I sat at the back of the class and realized that I couldn’t really see the chalkboard, and spiraled into getting some glasses. Ugh. That first frame was thick plastic, gray frames. Maybe they were cool for the 80’s. I don’t remember having the option of metal frames. Maybe I just got talked into them. Regardless, I began my life as a four-eyed geek.

Fast forward to 2002, and it’s appointment time again. Since Wifey™ has been getting headaches lately from being in front of the computer, we both setup our appointments for the same time and walked from our apartment to the eye doctor’s office (roughly a mile) on Saturday morning.

While Wifey™ went in first to get her eyes checked, I waiting in the area with all the frames and began my search for the perfect new frames. I figure that since my insurance covers $160 worth of frames, I should take advantage of it. In the end, I chose something smaller than what I currently have (similar to photo above). My current frames are Flexon, which means they are flexible enough to basically bend them in half and they’ll spring back in shape. Good for those of us that are particularly rough on our glasses.

The eye doctor was about my age and the examination was fairly routine, with the exception of dreaded “burst of air” machine. She informed me that she didn’t use that test because it freaked the hell out of people. For those not familar, the “burst of air” test basically has you sitting in this machine with your eye open wide while they puff a burst of air directly at your eye and you aren’t supposed to blink or they’ll have to repeat it. Ugh. Good luck with the other eye after the trauma of the first one. Anyhow, her test involves a bright blue light that comes within millimeters of your eyeball. She says it doesnt actually touch your eye, but it sure as hell feels like it. In the end, my prescription hasn’t changed very much in the two years since my last visit. Wifey™ on the other hand is a different story.

She got to order her very first pair of glasses. I think she’s handling it well.

The last portion of our exam meant that we had to get our eyes dilated. If you haven’t ever had it done, it basically numbs your eyeballs, and makes your pupils humongous ‡ in the process, making your eyes extremely sensitive to light. Before we left, they handed us these wraparound glasses that you see alot of old people wearing but Wifey™ and I, being vain as hell, weren’t about to go outside wearing those things, so instead we walked home basically by touch. Fucking looked like the blind leading the blind, but at least we looked GOOOOOOOD. When we finally did get home, we ran inside and shut all the lights off and closed the blinds. Ah, never felt so good to sit in the dark.

On another note, while I was searching Eyeglasses.com for a photo that closest resembles the frames I chose, I came upon these …

Erm. What the fuck are those?? Well, after a little reading, I found that they are called “makeup glasses”. Seems that if you are so totally blind that you can’t see your eyes five inches from your face in a mirror, you’d wear these. You basically flip the monocal portion back and forth, so you can paint your face without making yourself look like a total freak. Not that these glasses wouldn’t achieve that affect on their own.

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