Plays Well With Others

Just A Person …

I was watching a talk show at lunch today and on the screen was a woman who was talking about her father. How he had been an alcoholic his entire life and how she’d always tried to excel in order to get recognition from him. Perhaps also getting his focus off of drinking and onto her. It never happened and eventually he died. She’d held resentment towards him for a long time afterward, until one day she began thinking about it in another way. She realized that besides her father, he was just a person. A man with his own problems in life. And with that she was able to have some resolution.

For many of us, we see our parents as the people that raised us, who screamed at us when we were bad and who we can borrow money from when we needed it. They were the ones responsible for us for a long time and then we moved out and got on with our lives. It’s hard to picture them any other way. They are “parents” afterall.

Now step back a little bit. A little bit more. Until you can see more of the picture. Picture your parents at your age. They dated people, they went to clubs and hung out and they may have had “reckless” times. At some point, they met each other and fell in love. They got married and probably struggled to make ends meet … and then you came along and their world changed forever. They became “parents”. They became responsible for another life in the world. They became afraid whevever you touched ANYTHING and became worried whenever you left the house. They are your worst enemy and your number one fan all rolled up in one. No matter what you do in your life, you can always know that they’ll be there for you.

Before being parents, though, they were just regular people like you and me. And when they go to work, they aren’t “parents”, they are just people. They are the receptionist or the janitor or the executive or mailroom clerk or that lady behind the counter that serves coffee. They tell jokes, they hate their jobs, they have drinks after work and they pay bills and take care of the house … just like you and me. It’s strange to look at your parents from a different angle. I mean, as our parents, we have tunnel vision — we only see them as the authority figures in our life.

Think about everything they’ve done in their lives for you and then try to picture yourself doing that for someone else. Ugh. I can barely scrape two dimes together to pay my own bills, let alone someone else. Someone else that hardly acknowledges it. Think about it. They raise you for at least eighteen years of your life, paying for your food, clothing and shelter, as well as your extracurricular activities and what do they get in return — very little. In fact, for a good part of those years they get screamed at and criticized … but they keep doing for you. Strange. And then you move away from them and they hardly see you or hear from you.

So, why do it? Why even bother. I’ve heard a lot of parents say that even though it’s the biggest struggle of their lives, raising their kids is the biggest accomplishment in their lives. They started out as two regular people and from that managed to raise a family and get them out in the world alive and healthy. Quite an accomplishment. And once it’s all over and the kids have moved out, there’s this void, this emptiness. This feeling of being a parent for so long that it took over their identity and suddenly the kids are gone and there are no more soccer games to attend or shuttling kids back and forth that needs to be done. I’ve heard it a million times — “I wish they stayed small forever because they really needed me then”.

Feeling needed or wanted is a big one. Everytime I call my grandmother, I can hear her voice light up. Even if I’m just calling to say hi, she’s ecstatic. And if we take her out, it’s the biggest thrill of her life. Something so small to us is something to huge to her. Same goes for our parents. You may not realize it and they might not come out and say it, but it makes their day to hear from you once you’ve moved out and are living your own life. Only taking five minutes of your day to make a quick phone call to say hi and catch up means the world to them. You better bet they get off the phone and tell everyone within earshot that they just got a call from you and then gush about you for the next hour or so. It’s how parents are.

I’ll have to admit … I don’t even know how my parents met. For as long as I can recollect they’ve always been divorced and for a long time, my mom never wanted to talk about my father … so the questions never got asked. Something that simple and I have no clue. Did they meet at a dance, at a school, through a friend.. no clue.

I remember one conversation a long time ago that I had with my mom about their lives when they first got married. It was one of those conversation when you step outside yourself for a moment and see them as just regular people. She told me that when they first got married they lived in an apartment in Los Angeles, had a little cat and had no money … aside from what they could scrape together for bills and rent. So they’d go to the local Taco Bell where they had a friend who would give them free food. And that’s what they’d eat all the time. Taco Bell.

It’s just a little story, but it opened my eyes. They didn’t always have a house. They didn’t always have it easy. They were just like Wifey™ and I. Newly married and struggling to make ends meet. But they were happy. They were just two people making their lives work the best way they knew how. It didn’t take a lot of money to make their lives work.

I guess getting old makes me think more about things like this. At 18, I didn’t care … at 30, I can see things differently. My parents were a couple of years younger than I am when they had me. What a trip. To think that I’d have a three year old right now … if I were in their shoes.

Maybe it’s time to put yourself in your parents shoes and see them a little differently — as just people trying to make their lives work the best way they know how. And then give them a call and make sure they know that you appreciate what they’ve done for you. They already know, but sometimes it’s nice to hear it anyway. Someday they’ll be gone and then it’ll be too late.

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