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School night …

Greetings, y’all. Today was the first day of school, again. Tonight I began the second semester of my Spanish classes … and as scheduled, met up with Doreen and Michele. For those of you unfamilar, I took the first half of this Spanish class last semester.. covering the first half of our book. The class that began tonight covers the second half of the book, but is a class you sign up for separately.

At the end of last years session, Michelle and Doreen talked me into taking the second class, because we had so much fun … and it was fun to see them again. After a month off of school, it was nice to have them around again.. we joke around alot … and it’s nice to be doing something other than working on the computer at night.. it feels kind of social.

It’s a cold rainy day today.. and I began working on more stuff for the chickshops.. those of you that know all about chickclick.com, should also know about chickshops. I work for the parent company, Snowball.com, which produces chickclick, as well as a host of others. One of my big projects is the chickshops … which I do production work on..

So, when I sign your guestbooks and see that chickclick banner blinking, well, it freaks me out … just a little bit.

I know you are all crying because Tim is on vacation until next Tuesday, but I’ll do my best to fill the void. He’s actually visiting the states, New York to be specific.. a bar mitzvah for a cousin.

So, feel free to come into Commixion and get your fill of my journal..

And speaking of Tim, at work I listen to the radio, via realaudio through the internet.. I hook up my headphones and listen to VirginRadio UK, which happens to be Tim’s favorite station.. I had read it a few times on his site.. but just made the connection today.. if you have a chance you should tryout the stations, they are from all over the world, and you can get a flavor of other countries music dj’s. For example I think it’s funny hearing the disc jockeys announcing from UK, things that happen in the US:

“Some news from the awad show in Los Angeleeeeez, Mariah Carey didnt win the awad for best musician, but for being able to keep her boobies in her dress … ”

That is actually running on the station …

So, tonight I told Doreen from spanish class, how I was looking for a place, and had a roommate lined up and she started telling me all her roommate horror stories:

“I knew this guy that had a roommate that went nuts one time..the cops called him up and said the roommate just freaked out at the apartment and began smashing things … .”

“I lived in a house with five other people and one was a cop that would interrogate me every night.. another had a skin disease and would leave flakes in the tub and bathroom..”

Okay, okay, Doreen.. thanks for the wonderful roommate stories..so to my readers, if I ever stop writing for a long time.. um, call the police … I might be chopped up in the freezer.

My question of the night goes to Linda, who asked me a question relating to last nights entry about relationships …

Actually, this is a great question that is a little difficult to answer.. but in short, no.

To expand on that.. like I said most relationships in my life haven’t worked out for one reason or another.. I’ve been in strong like, but never got to the point of love … I’ve had that butterfly in the stomach, think about the person night and day, no sleep, happy when you’re around them, miserable when you’re not – feeling plenty of times … but I feel that because of my relationship phobia I’ve never allowed myself to get close enough to someone to let the guard down.

I have this thing about my independence, and part of me feels that getting involved with someone could cause me to lose that … of course, when you are in love with someone you want to be with them all the time.. so it’s confusing..

There have been so many things in my life that have hardened me that I’m not even sure I’m able to love anyone sometimes … I care about people and I care about their feelings.. but love seems like such a strong word and I dont go there lightly. Plus there is always a part of me that is holding back just a little, waiting for something to go wrong.. if you love someone it only hurts later when it doesnt work out.. so I just dont get that attached.

I love my family.. but dont express it … and due to situations in the past, loving people doesnt always guarantee they’ll stick around … I’ve also seen a few of the people I’ve loved pass away, and one in particular I was the one to identify the body.. which again, hardened me. I wish I never had to do things like that.. because every instance causes me to put my feelings to the back … and little by little I begin not to feel.

So, I’m probably getting off the subject, but to answer the question … I really dont think I can say I’ve ever been in love with someone … hopefully that answers the question.

If anyone has a question about an entry, or anything else you’re wondering about feel free to fill out that box in the right hand column and hit submit …

The Book of Eleven – Brain Lint: The image I equate with the early 1900’s – and I think I have the Waltons to blame for this – is of a rickety screen door slamming behind as a carefree someone saunters out of the general store holding an ice-cream cone, and the jolly owner, also satisfied with the transaction, is holding a penny.

Childhood Experience of the Night: I hate to have attention on me … that’s probably why I didnt ever talk much in class. The whole raise your hand, get called on, and have the whole class turn around and stare at you thing never really caught on with me … I dont like to have the attention on me.

I always have this fear of being wrong.. not that it matters in the large scale of things.. but being wrong, and looking stupid or foolish, was always something that I hated about being called on in class. Not to mention, that if the guy next to me is waving his hand all over the class, then why should I get involved.. why not just let that guy answer everything.

I’m still that way to some extent.. I mean in class, I won’t usually volunteer to answer a question, but if called on I dont worry as much about the result.. and usually feel okay about answering questions..

Meetings on the other hand, make me a little uneasy.. especially if it involves me having to talk.. I usually know ahead of time everything I’m going to talk about, and when the time comes to give the presentation my mind goes completely blank.. stage fright, perhaps. Who knows?

I’m sure I need a therapist and a few hundred years of time with that person to get to a point where I am fixed.. but for now I just put it all to the back and pretend everything is okay.. that’s what my family taught me.. dont discuss you’re problems just hide them and pretend we are all perfect and nothing is wrong with anyone …

Seems to be working out just fine.. dont you think.

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